Thursday, January 20, 2011

To fart is human

On the day of mum's funeral, I left very early in order to get to her town (about 500km away) on time , and by seven that morning, we were halfway there. I was dying for a cup of coffee, and looking forward to hitting the town of Riversdale where an old-fashioned road-house serves wonderful filter coffee at almost any hour of the day.

On this occasion, I had company, co-driver and moral support rolled into one in the form of Gus who I might or might not say more about another time.

'Riversdale!' I exclaimed 'I can smell the coffee!'

'I just farted' admitted Gus.

It's probably inappropriate to laugh so much on the way to one's mother's funeral, but I couldn't help it.

Bear with me, I'm not telling gratuitous fart jokes here, there's a point to all this, but I need to set the right tone in order for you to ponder my point properly: so... to anecdote the next.

I was living in the little bedsitter after having left property and posessions behind in the prelude to my divorce (I still have niether, but some things are more important than things, if you see what I mean).

Anyway, the walls of my room were so thin that I could hear my neighbor splashing in the bath of an evening, and since my loo backed onto that bathroom, I supposed that this worked both ways.

Now what do you do in that situation when you want to / know you're going to fart? It wasn't that I thought I'd get evicted for my toilet habits or anything, but one should be considerate of one's neighbors.

I suffered an enormous moral dilemma about this one day when my neighbor was doing the splashy thing in his bath and I wanted to do another sort of splashy thing which I knew was going to be heralded by a sound not unlike the last trump but not as melodious.

I paced the room (quietly so that I wouldn't disturb my downstairs neighbor), I probably went a bit green around the gills, I debated the matter with myself at length and guess what course I took? Sigh. I let fly, of course. Best fart I ever had.

I related this to a friend of mine, and he said, with great pride: 'My girfriend NEVER farts.'

'Oh!' said I, 'are you sure she doesn't at least 'Whooosh' - you know - the silent sort.'

He was quite offended and stuck to his guns. His girlfriend of the last fourteen years NEVER farts. Now that gets me. In fact, I'm reasonably sure, based on the evidence before me (and behind her) that she's not human at all.

And that's my point: she can't be! What do you think?

Today's pic: some non-human splashy things


  1. hahaha! this is a good farting story! and that dude's girlfriend must have super sphincter muscles to keep things clenched up until her bf is out of earshot. tricky lady!

  2. I think you are so funny you can tell this with a straight face! I was the naive kind myself, was at least 17 or 18 years old and I didn't even believe girls could fart! What a shame I thought, missing out on one of the real pleasures in life! and they are free!

  3. Women don't fart. Only skeevy stoners fart.

    I applaud your efforts to be courteous. I would have put on The Texas Chainsaw Massacre at max volume so my neighbors instead could have been lulled by the soothing sounds of a metal blade cutting through teenaged flesh.

  4. "My girfriend NEVER farts"???
    Bloody hell! Pop her with a pin and she'll probably fly around the room like a burst balloon!

  5. Sometime into my marriage we started to just let the farts fly whenever they wanted to. Makes for some good laughs at times. Enjoyable story.

  6. My sis n law contends that she never farts, I have never heard her in 20 plus years, but seriously, who doesn't have gas and personally, I can appreciate a good fart because you know how much I like a good flatulence story!

  7. You know from reading this post of yours I don't know if your male and female. Generic blogger. I love it. I am going to go with not human. I am girl and can fart with the best of 'em. And it doesn't embarass me. My fiance and I can go to the loo with each other in the room or the door open. He has friend's whose girlfriends will not fart in front of them no matter what. It's shame.

  8. My wife says that women's farts smell like roses. I of course agree, and don't tell her otherwise.

  9. I'm really embarrassed. Where's my pink award?

    I had a therapist once and during our first session, he farted. He was embarrassed and I was relieved to find out he was human. Set the tone. He wrote a professional paper about it. Go figure.

  10. If to fart is human, then it is human to object to a husband who farts merrily in front of you. It is also human to feel embarrassed when we fart or somebody farts in front of us. It is also human to wonder why we fill ourselves with food that produces gas inside our bodies.
    Too many things to bother us: after all we are only human.

  11. When I met Haydn and he asked me to marry him, he told me 'up front' that he picked his nose and farted to which I replied 'doesn't everyone?'

  12. Woe is me! I am outdone! Seriously folks, thanks for the comments, both funny and serious.

    Zoe: lol

    Shehrilin: Sneaky indeed! Or else, non human.

    Stonepost: Your humour gets me every time. I laugh and laugh...

    Grant: Damn! Busted! Does this make you a damnbuster?

    A: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear! My ribs are aching!

    Clipped Wings: Sensible. It's the way to go.

    Average Girl: Yes, and you tell a great Diarrhea story too!

    Sierra: thanks for popping in. Nice compliment! Only I'm busted again. You're right of course.

    Dan: She's right of course

    PAMO: I will arrange for that pink award forthwith! Fun story. A scientific paper on therapists farting? It must have been popular!

    Rama: I see that you have suffered!

    Random: Of course it is! I made it!

    Chez: What a lovely, sentimental yet funny story. Who'd have thought farts and nose picking could be so romantic!

  13. My mother tells me she had never farted in front of my father for their first 40 years together.

    She feels much better now!